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:: Tuesday, March 23, 2004 ::
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:: good-bye password! ::
 | ok, i've made up my mind. no more "hiding" posts, no more dual blogs, NO MORE. lol...i'm over it. as of the end of the business day today, the password on my original site shall be no longer. if you do or don't like what's on it, then you should or shouldn't have done whatever you did to cause the post to exist, RIGHT? lol...in my head i'm imagining a bra burning. lol...open the floodgates. | |
:: wonderful monday ::
 what a great evening.
:: password "protect" ::
lately i've kind of been tossing around the idea of removing the password protect from my original blog page. i got to thinking...what is the password really "protecting" me from? true, my blog has caused a bit of a stir awhile back. i censored myself once, i won't do it again. i've moved on. i'm over it. i've got nothing to be ashamed of. isn't it enough that deleted my posts? i may have deleted them from my site, but i'll always carry the memories inside me. i'm going to sleep on it for a few more days...see how i feel after the weekend. i may just give in and take it off by the end of the day. who knows.
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:: Monday, March 22, 2004 ::
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:: happy mondays ::
aaah...SERIOUSLY....nothing beats starting off the work week with a frappucinno, a smoke, and a ride to work. (great company, a necessity as well). to top off the morning so far, my bootie girl is back, and i've got lunch @ hooters to look forward to!
this IS going to be yet another great day.
:: my weekend recap ::
:: friday ::
overall an average friday. just couldn't seem to get into the evening, however. strange crowd, i guess. i did wear one of my "old school" outfits though. *giggle*
:: click here to see album ::
:: saturday ::
did a whole lot of nothing today. whew! had a great night at the club...for some reason, i was just in a pretty good mood. "box-pusher"....damn you! * shakes fist *
:: sunday ::
boy do i love getting manicures on sunday afternoon! went to a laudrymat this evening! rather educational...kind of makes me grateful to have my own washer & dryer. afterwards, went to go see the boys @ sushi x. mmmmm!
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:: Friday, March 19, 2004 ::
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:: why an online journl? ::
may people have asked me this question, and until or unless you have one of your own, you'll never really understand. at first i did it for fun. i did it because my friends had them and i thought it'd be a good way to learn html. over time, i realized it was much more than that. it became a way to "keep in touch" with the goings on of friends near and far. it's a way to meet new people. when i first started my journal it was so "dear diary". just a chronicle of funny things that would happen to me throughout the day. a way to wish happy birthdays and congratulations to people. funny quizzes and games to put online. soon after, i realized that putting my feelings out there was very therapeutic, very cathartic...a release of sorts.
at the time i didn't fully realize the ramifications of having my life chronicled online for whoever to see. to know me and to know i have a journal online is to know that sooner or later, somehow, you or a part of you shall be included on here in some kind of direct or indirect way. it's a simple fact.
sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger. they have no relation to you, and often can offer the clearest and most unbiased opinion to any situation. so, in a way, readers are those strangers. it's almost refreshing to express feelings of happiness, joy, anger, excitement, frustration, and all the other emotions for the whole world to see. plus, when writing, it can convey a deeper meaning, a greater form of expression. it generally takes more thought, more of an effort, to just sit down and put words together in an effective means of getting a point across. some of these posts are just for me. many are for others. in the end, these posts are mine and mine alone...i'll choose to do with them what i will. i congratulate and praise many on here...i berate few.
a perfect example of how this is therapeutic: a friend of mine chronicled the events leading up to and after the death of her mother. i could never begin to imagine what she and her family went through during this time, and never would i wish such pain on anyone. yet the loss of a parent or loved one is something that everyone must encounter at some point in their lives. she put her feelings out there. i can't say her reasonings behind it, but she did....she's so strong for that. in doing so, she recieved the support of many out there...some i'll assume she's never even met. that in and of itself i believe was of some comfort to her. to know that other people out there have felt her pain and can relate.
i keep my journal on here to express my feeling on things. the situation may not be current or immediately relevant. it could be that i was reminded of a conversation or an event that took place. it could be anything. a song on the radio, a commercial, an old love letter...anything. in the end, my feelings are my feelings, and until you have walked in my shoes, you'll never understand. you could never touch the surface, even if you tried.
sometimes i just feel like writing about feelings. they may or not be current, but they are infinitely mine and mine alone. you cannot fault someone for feelings. feelings cannot be controlled...that's why they're "feel"ings.
in a few months my journal will be one year old. i've looked back through the months, and it's almost surreal to reread my thoughts on events that have taken place in my life. it's interesting to see how my posts have changed, how my outlook on things have changed. there are events i've totally forgotten, events i chose to forget, events i'll cherish and remember as long as God permits. you've got to learn to take the good with the bad. understand and accept both and maybe a greater understanding will come of it. who knows? maybe i'm just talking out of my ass.
true, i didn't fully realize the ramifications of including others in my posts. yet it goes back to knowing me, know i have a journal that allows total access. i realize that who i am now is a direct result of my past. i've got nothing to be ashamed of when i look in the mirror. i know the beautiful person i've become inside. i know what i am capable of. i know that the people i surround myself with are genuine, caring, and giving.
awhile back i had to stifle my emotions...tone down my posts a bit....much to the chagrin of my friends. "how dare you!?!?!?" a friend once stated to me. "this is YOUR journal...YOUR words, YOUR thoughts, YOUR feelings....YOU" he yelled. i realize that now. you put a lot of yourself into something that's written. sometimes i think more so than words. words can be forgotten. written is just that...written. to write conveys something from deeper within...it almost forces you to slow down and really think about how to express what you need to express. i know that if i wrote just how i spoke, i'd come off as a babbling idiot! wouldn't just about everyone?
it's so easy to express on here. it really is. that's as good as it is bad, true. but to put my feelings and emotions out to an (relatively) anonymous audience can be such a release. even refreshing at times. i'll deal with the consequences as they come...but right now is my time to release. it's when readers take things so literally and turn things around that even the little thing somehow implies something completely different than what was intended. that's where things get sticky. true...i'll either be quite direct towards someone on here...sometimes i'll leave a small but obvious clue. that's my right. everyone must come to the realization that all your actions have consequences...it may not come tomorrow, maybe not next year....maybe never. but actions (good or bad) usually seem to generate some kind of reaction. i know that...i accept that. i may not like it and i may not agree, but i accept that single fact.
i've learned that i cannot please everyone. in trying to do so would mean spreading myself so thin that i'd forget who i am. there's no sense in giving so much that you lose yourself, right? i can only hope that the eternal smiling optimist that is me is enough. if not, then let's move on...let's go our separate ways. i only wish that those who have come into my life find their happiness...whatever that may be. if the eternal smiling optimist is enough, then i hope i can continue being whatever it is that keeps you in my life. keep being whatever brought you to me in the first place. even to those who are no longer, i'll always see and remember the good in you. maybe i'm deluding myself with that statement, but again it's the optimist in me popping out again. i believe that everyone is inerently "good", inherently beautiful in their own way. one man's trash is another one's treasure.
so with that, that is why i blog. that is why i put my feelings and emotions "on display" to whoever should cross my site. no need to weigh myself down with thoughts, troubles, etc. thank god for the journal! lol.
* kiss *
:: lyrics in my head ::
To Love Me More - PM Dawn
When you run away with someone
To the corners of your mind
Be it time or place or space of love.
I think you know, I think you know....
Whatever magnifies you.
My heart won't let it go so,
Whatever the barriers,
Whatever the forces are.
I know that they don't matter,
But they do...and that's why....
( chorus )
I find it so hard for me to tell you
I want you to love me more
I find it so hard for me to tell you
I want you to love me more
I find it so hard for me to tell you
I want you to love me more
I find it so hard for me to tell you
I want you......to love me more
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If you could see what I see
When I rest my eyes on you.
Be it people words or anything
I think they know, I think they know...
If it's you it's you and only you
'cause my emotions run my life.
So, wherever the rainbows go,
Wherever the teardrops are
I bet they feel the love I get from you
And that's why...
( chorus )
It's funny you should say
I dream you all this time
'cause all the time, I think I do...
It's funny you should say
You see the love. I push to your heart...
I sure hope it's in your nature
To love me more....to love me more...
To love me more...to love me more
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:: friday five ::
this week's friday five...
if you...
| 1. | ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve? |
| hmmmm...sushi |
| 2. | ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell? |
| i'd open a nail salon/mini-spa with sunshine @ the airport |
| 3. | ...wrote a book, what genre would it be? |
| some kind of "ladies only man-bashing" book (nothing personal guys!) |
| 4. | ...ran a school, what would you teach? |
| music |
| 5. | ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it? |
| a bit of everything |
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:: Thursday, March 18, 2004 ::
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:: flower power ::
lol.....it seems that the flower frenzy has died down. whew! so with that, allow me to shift things in another gear. just throwing out a few random thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head lately. not directly or indirectly aimed towards anyone in particular...so if you think something is (or isn't) well then that's all on you... (i'll be revising this continuously i'm sure, as things come to me)just know that...- i'll always be here for you, whether or not you know it, whether or not you need me
- you've got more people that care about you than you know
- just because i don't call doesn't mean you're not in my heart
- it's during crucial times when you know who your real friends are
- you don't choose your friends, so hold dear the ones you have
- you're SO much stronger than you think, worth SO much more than you give yourself credit for
- if you think something is about you, it probably isn't, so shut up and move on
- more often than not it's better to listen to your head, despite how much your heart tells you otherwise
- if you want me to kill him, i'd be MORE than happy to oblige
- it takes more energy to hate than to love
- nobody looks good frowning or scowling, so smile
- it's the little things you do that mean so much
- i see you
- try to be true to yourself...only you know what's really going on in your head and in your life
- you never know who's falling in love with your smile
- if he's not the man you thought he was, he probably never will be
- if he doesn't realize the beautiful person he has in you, it's not you...it's HIM
- he's not the one for you, so don't try to make him to be
- someday HE will find you, and you'll know it
- you'll always find a friend when and where you least expect it
- you shouldn't let the bad outweigh the good
- it's harder to see things for what they really are
- you've ALWAYS got a friend in me
- i appreciate you
- i'm grateful for all that you try to be to/for me
- i'm grateful for all that you ARE to me
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:: whoo! gotta love "flower wars" ::
 lol...it's funny how a "simple gesture" turns into a day of tear-filled laughter. after the first arrangement arrived, something came over me. i just couldn't help but to send JUST ONE MORE. lol. boy... 1-800-flowers.com has been getting quite a workout these past few weeks! i guess this just proves that one good turn does, in fact, deserve another! ok, i'm done...no more flowers... * pinky swear *
:: who says guys can't get flowers? ::
 now everybody knows my penchant for recieving things at work. in the four+ years i've worked here, i've seen flower delivery people come and go. a little something inside me would stir every time, hoping maybe they were for me, but to no avail. until recently. lol. A+, sweetie... you always know how to make me smile, flowers or no flowers. so, to that end, i got to thinking...girls ALWAYS get flowers, so why can't guys? getting flowers is not immasculine in any way. in fact, it's so rare that guys get flowers that i think it makes even MORE of a statement when it happens. * giggle * oh this is going to be a ton of fun!
:: a day of rest ::
whew! well, i/we FINALLY managed to get to sleep at a decent hour. feels good to wake up rested. i finally got around to cleaning the house, putting stuff away. lol...one of these days i really need to buy a new vacuum and a coat rack of some sort. then to top off my well rested morning, i was greeted at the door by a starbuck's grande moccha frappuccino and a ride to work! ah...today is going to be a great day.
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:: Wednesday, March 17, 2004 ::
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:: if you call me... ::
ooh, mel, i like this one! let's see how many i come up with (or not)....
if you call me...- princess or baby: you're my man
- chalupa or chimichanga: you're lil mike
- char: prima, andre, my coworkers at the day job
- the "bad one": you're my bootie girl
- chartreuse: my friend, fred/jeff, from college
- char-dawg or char-broiled chicken: you were my barback from old crobar *tips her drink*
- maneater/boybeater: you're most likely my brother
- thaihoney: you've been on my site before actually meeting me, or we've met online somehow
- char char: you're my kerry berry
- cuz: you're pinyo
- sister: you're ami, prima, or jace
- the asian girl in the overalls: a patron/regular @ crobar
- your peeps: you're wally
- mai thai: you're kimmy
:: quiz mood ::
What Kind of Soul Do You Possess?
You have a beautiful soul! These are rare and very
special. One who has a beautiful soul had beauty inside and out, and are always very kind. You may be the one who always applies make-up to look better and achieve certain standards, but you look just as gorgeous without makeup. You take pride in yourself because you know that you are worth better. Sometimes you preen in front of the mirror for hours, but youre never too busy to help someone. Everyone loves you and you love them back, with a lot of friends, and popularity. But you didnt get it because of your clothes-you got it because there seems to be a radiance around you, a sort of glow, that attracts people to do better and be better.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses?
(For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
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What Kind of Shadow are You?
You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you, you are always right at his or her heels! Your deep social connection with human beings produces your qualities of genuine caring and charisma. However, at times you are naive to the true nature of your loved ones. Remember that humans' gift of free will does not always lead them in wise directions. But your essence of love and friendship represent the other precious gifts of humanity. Overall you are a strikingly valuable and innocent being who has a lot to give.
What Kind of Shadow Are You?
(with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
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What Chinese Element are You?
You are the chinese element of Fire. People who are under the element of fire are considerate, sensitive and communicative. Fire, you are a conjuror, and you hate boredom, butterfly emotions and you also crave excitement. The color of fire is red and your symbol is the phoenix. Summer is the season in which fire shines and it's months are April/May. Your weather condition is heat. Fire is the direction south, and your day is Tuesday, while your planet is Mars. Animals under your element are usually winged. People under you are the Hans. Your sense is taste, whereas your taste is bitter, your sound is laughing and your virtue is propriety. Your organ is
the heart. You were created by Wood and you
control Metal.
Which of the 5 Chinese Elements Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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What Emotion Does Your Soul Hold
your dark and mysterious..you have a hidden talent but you don't tell anyone..its probably an art of some kind...you don't let people get that close to you because you've been hurt alot...your tough and independant.
What emotion does your soul hold...(kinda for girls but either can take)
brought to you by Quizilla
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:: happy st. patrick's day! ::
  
:: billiards and knob shots ::
last night was HELLA fun! mykel and i went to go shoot some pool (i really HAVE to get back into the swing of things!). we were having a good time, and the people playing on both sides of us (three guys on one side, a couple on a date on the other) were in good spirits, so i decided to buy a round of shots for all three tables. lol...little did i know that was going to set the tone for the evening. about three games and a (three table) total of probably 35-50 shots later, we made our way back to settle up the tab. the gracious bartender had not only bought us the last few rounds, he paid for all our pool tabs! * whew * what a fun night! i'm paying for it now, but it was definitely an awesome evening.
3-1...the boy wins this round
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:: Tuesday, March 16, 2004 ::
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:: what's your element? (girls) ::
 You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough".
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES) brought to you by Quizilla
:: lunching with my ladies ::
ah... so refreshing yet SO damn filling! this time i was fortunate to have the rare company of fatima AND claudine and her man!!!! so nice to see your smiling faces ladies! today we hit a new place (well, new for me). we stuffed ourselves silly at buca de beppo. god bless leftovers! * urp *
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:: Monday, March 15, 2004 ::
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:: a brighter monday ::
lol....ok girls, we're going to have to chain this one to the island
:: stole another one ::
got this from mel's site....
| "You know, hate is a pretty strong word... So is love." |
:: so sweet ::
ok this, i think is my favorite.....
If you let me take your heart I will prove to you,
We will never be apart if I'm part of you,
Open up your eyes now tell me what you see,
It is no surprise now what you see is me.
Big and black the clouds may be time will pass away,
If you put your trust in me I'll make bright your day.
Look into these eyes, tell me what you see,
Don't you realize now what you see is me.
Tell me what you see.
Listen to me one more time how can I get through,
Can't you try to see that I'm trying to get to you,
Open up your eyes now tell me what you see,
It is no surprise now what you see is me. |
:: thank you... ::
- for forcing me to see how i deserve to be treated, as much as i try to fight it
- for continuously and selflessly giving freely of yourself
- for showing me what i was too blind to see
- for not thinking that not everything is about you. you think "outside yourself" and embrace "us"
- for being by my side. you never walk ahead or stray behind
- for opening my eyes to a whole new world
:: my weekend recap ::
:: saturday ::
a relatively tame weekend (except for the puker at my bar...real nice, dude!). ran into carlos...all i can say is "holy tan!" lol...see, that's why i don't even bother with tanning and sun. i could NEVER get a tan going that looked THAT good. *sigh* i give up!
:: sunday ::
i have to start off by giving mad props to my metrosexual. not only did he come with me and endured my manicure session, he showed his support, and stayed by my side the entire time. there's something kind of sexy about a man getting a manicure. ladies, i KNOW you'll agree with me on this one.
afterwards, we kind of digressed back into childhood for a bit, and had a marathon pinball session. aaah..i love pinball!
afterwards, i had the privelage of taking "my michaels" to fogo de chao for dinner. sheesh! two peas in a pod!
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